My Opposite of Maybe

I just got back from spending five nights in Charleston, SC with my sister and four week-old nephew. I had a great time in an awesome city with some of my favorite people. It went by way too fast as days tend to do with newborns.  It takes time to get out of the house, the days revolve around feedings, and then you look at the clock and it is already 4:00. The greater majority of the last five years of my life have been filled with days like these. And I have loved every second of it (well, maybe not while I was in the moment all the time), but I can honestly say now that those days are behind me.

I’ve said it before, but this week pretty much solidified it… This baby shop is closed for business. Not only does my sister have all of my baby stuff, but I’m just not interested in going back to the newborn phase. Been there, done that, bought the frumpy maternity clothes… And now I know I’m done.

Don’t get me wrong… I loved the snuggling and baby time. I loved his smell and soft skin and his sweet little face while he slept. But, I also loved that I could give him back. I’ve heard it a million times, but now I get it. And it’s the first time I’ve ever felt that way. I’m far enough from that phase that I can look back on it fondly without any sort of longing for just one more. I’m good with what I am so lucky to have. I’ll encourage my friends and family to keep popping them out so I can get a little fix from time to time, but that’s pretty much it. I’m excited for the next phase of my life.

At the same time I’m so excited as my sister starts this new phase of her life. It’s so fun to watch her and she is doing awesome with a baby who is a little more fussy than most. She’s totally keeping it all in perspective – something I was totally incapable of doing with my first newborn.  And I’ll keep cheering her on… from my next phase of life with a cocktail in my hand.

This post was inspired by the novel  The Opposite of Maybe by Maddie Dawson. At the age of 44, Rosie finds herself suddenly single and pregnant. She tries to hide in her grandmother’s home, but meets two men that will change her life forever. Join From Left to Write on April 8 we discuss The Opposite of Maybe. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.

Good Deeds 2012: Week 26 Donate Life America

Good Deed: Registered as an organ, eye, and tissue donor through Donate Life America.

It took me about one minute. All I had to do was enter my driver's license number and address and now I am one of the six million adults in Illinois registered to possibly save lives. I've always been a donor on my driver's license and told everyone my wishes, but I figured this was the final step in making it official.

My uncle who was killed in an accident last year was a donor and knowing that his death made a difference to so many lives was the one comfort I could take from knowing he was killed.

Consider this: According to Donate Life America, there are more than 114,000 people nationwide waiting for lifesaving transplants, including more than 5,000 men, women, and children in Illinois. Isn't that reason enough to register?

What was your good deed this week?

Good Deeds 2012: The Glass Slipper Project

Good Deed: Donated dresses and accessories to The Glass Slipper Project.

This bridesmaid dress from my sister's wedding was beautiful, but hopefully will not fit me again.

I have been honored to stand up in weddings for my sisters and some of my closest friends. These weddings have been some of my favorite memories. I've had lots of fun fun, a great excuse to get my hair and makeup done, and wore some beautiful dresses.The thing is... most bridesmaid dresses are not necessarily re-wearable (though I have a few that actually are). So, what to do with these pretty dresses?

Donate them, of course! The Glass Slipper Project takes donated dresses and makes prom dreams come true for thousands of Chicagoland high school Juniors and Seniors who are unable to purchase their own prom attire. Doesn't that just make perfect sense?

I've donated a number dresses to this organization in the last five years. This week I dropped off a dress, a few pieces of jewelry, and a purse and left feeling hopeful that a girl would treasure them and feel like a lady. This dress in particular was from my sister's wedding over Labor Day weekend. It's a stunning dress, but I was a few months postpartum and it's not something I hope to fit into again... Plus, I don't have any plans in the near future to attend a black tie event. So, rather than holding onto it, I donated it.

According to their website, The Glass Slipper Project has helped more than 16,000 girls attend their proms. It is a 100% volunteer-driven organization that accepts donations of dresses, shoes, jewelry, makeup, and purses. Boutiques are available the last three weekends of April and volunteers help girls choose their prom attire. (A friend of mine actually volunteered last year and had great things to say about the experience.)

Donating is easy! You can ship the items or use one of their drop-off locations. If you live in the North Shore area, Zengler Cleaners accepts items and dry cleans the dresses for the organization. (Check drop-off location and mailing information here.)

What was your good deed this week? Link it up here or leave a comment!



Note: I am in no way affiliated with The Glass Slipper Project,nor was I compensated for this post. All information was found on their website: www.glassslipperproject.org.

Plucked From The Healthy World Together

For the From Left to Write Book Club we read "The Art of Hearing Heartbeats" by Jan-Philipp Sendker. The book inspired this post.

"There was the world of the sick and dying and the world of the hale. The healthy and hale did not want to know anything about the sick and the dying. As if they had nothing to do with one another. As if one false step on thin ice, one forgotten candle, were not enough to pluck you from the one world and land you in the other."

-Excerpt from "The Art of Hearing Heartbeats' by Jan-Philipp Sendker

Eleven years ago my grandmother died of cancer. It was rather aggressive and fast. She was in her early 70's and we all felt robbed and heartbroken to witness what we knew were her final days. I'm the oldest of sixteen cousins, so always felt lucky that I had the most time with her and would most likely have the best memories, but it still felt terrible to lose her.

As the cancer was taking over and it was clear her days were numbered, my grandfather had a massive stroke. The kind of stroke you aren't supposed to survive. They were in bed sleeping and my grandmother was in too much pain, too weak to quickly get to the phone. It must have been an incredible struggle for her to call for help. That was the last day that Grandma was really lucid and she was admitted to the hospital for hospice care immediately.

Grandma & Grandpa on their wedding day.

Grandpa was in bad shape in the ICU of another hospital. As we upped Grandma's morphine to keep her comfortable, we willed Grandpa to hang in there. Family went from one hospital to the other. Grandma's time was limited, but Grandpa needed to say good bye. Our family and the hospitals managed to allow them a final moment together. Grandpa was transported on a stretcher by ambulance to her hospital. They wheeled him in as she lay unconscious in her bed. He couldn't speak well and his left side was paralyzed. But, we all believe that they were able to say good bye.

She died soon after and my Grandpa was transported to the funeral via ambulance a few days later, able to sit up in a wheelchair. It was heartbreaking. It was tragic. People wandered around the funeral, looking at us with pity. My grandparents were healthy. They were high school sweethearts. It was not their time.

Luckily they created a family that survives through humor, so we found a way to laugh about it. The absurdity of it all. We created humor where most would have found none and ways to make sense of it instead of just crying our eyes out. It was decided that Grandpa never could have survived life without Grandma if he was capable and healthy. They had to cross from the healthy world together.

Today my Grandpa is still alive, trapped in a body terribly damaged by his stroke and in need of round-the-clock nursing care. He married a lovely woman he met in the nursing home, who is a considerate and watchful companion and lost her husband around the same time Grandma died. He found another person to love for the rest of the time he's with us, but he has a plot waiting for him right next to Grandma.


When Julia travels to Burma to search for her missing lawyer father, she discovers much more than she expected. Join From Left to Write on February 1 as we discuss The Art of Hearing Heartbeats by Jan-Philipp Sendker. As a member of From Left to Write, I received a copy of the book. All opinions are my own.

Jeffrey Baumrucker, 1957-2011

This is the post I've been dreading writing. It might explain the silence around here these days. I didn't want to post about this, but then it seemed wrong not to. This blog is a chronicle of our life, right? And our life just suffered a major loss.

My Uncle Jeff died. Actually, I should restate that: My Uncle Jeff was tragically killed in an accident. Two weeks ago today, we had just started skyping with our friends in Portland, happy to be talking to them, seeing their not-so-new baby. My cell rang, then the home phone. I knew something was going on, so stepped away from the conversation and answered it. My mom was sobbing, telling me that Jeff was in a terrible accident, that it wasn't good.

He was riding motorcycles with a friend, sitting at a red light, doing everything right, wearing a helmet, being safe. It wasn't his motorcycle, but he had his license, was just getting into riding. He was hit from behind by a woman going fast. He was placed on life support.

My mom and dad left on the first flight out Monday morning with my aunts and uncles. The cousins waited to book tickets. From there it was the longest, most exhausting week - Days melted into each other. None of us knew what day it was, only that we were waiting to be told when we should book tickets. Waiting. After less than 48 hours on life support, he passed away. I can't even imagine what it was like for my parents, aunts and uncles, and my aunt who just lost her husband and four cousins who just lost their father. The week must have lasted an eternity.

Without my mom here, I took off a couple of days to stay home with W. He heard the constant conversations, the stuff I didn't think he'd understand. The stuff I didn't want him to understand.

"Is Jeff coming over?" he asked.

"Do you mean Jeff the person or Jeff your car?" (He calls his Fillmore car from Cars "Jeff" for some reason - Always has.)

"The person."

"You've heard us talking about Jeff a lot, haven't you?"

"Yes."

"Do you remember Jeff?"

"Will he get better?"

"I don't think so, buddy."

"The doctors will fix him," he said.

"Sometimes doctors can't fix people. Sometimes they're too broken."

"What do they do?"

"Well, they go to sleep for a long, long time and we remember them." How do you explain this to a 2 year old who has the verbal capacity and understanding of a child years ahead of him, but not the mental or emotional ability? That was a really tough part of the week, but not the hardest.

The hardest: My sister and I had to tell my grandfather that he had lost a son. My grandfather suffered a massive stroke 10 years ago and lives in a nursing facility, so was not able to make the trip. We sat and talked a lot about Jeff and out of the blue my grandpa said something that stuck with me: "Jeff was a really good dancer." And he was. There have been four Baumrucker cousin weddings so far, and Jeff ripped up the floor at each wedding. He had a great, fun, fearless, hysterical personality. I don't know that I know anyone else quite like him.

I flew to Florida with my cousins last Saturday morning and the weekend was spent crying, laughing, hugging, walking around shocked. We're all still in a state of shock. I'm not sure when it will make sense, if it ever will. My uncle was a truly remarkable person. When we leave this life all that's left is the impact we had on others and he made quite an impact. I only wish he had more time to rub off on my little guy.

I think this article is a nice piece on Jeff and how the dental community came together to help, because that's what Jeff deserved and would have done for anyone else. This has been a tragedy for so many people. I don't know that it will ever make sense.

This post can't begin to do justice for what a loss this has been. It's hard to describe heart break. So, I'll just leave it at that.

Congrats, Tristina!

My sister, Christina, got hitched last weekend. And, lucky for us, she married Tristan. (Get it? Christina + Tristan = Tristina.) Tristan is like a brother and friend and role model for our little guy who adores him. It was a fabulous wedding. I'm too tired to go into the details right now. Man, being a matron of honor really takes it out of you (does this explain the lack of posts as of late?).

So, for now, I'm thrilled to share a little video put together by Ben Mahoney Productions, who is a good friend of our family and happens to be the most talented wedding videographer you'll ever meet.

Watch this. You'll love it. I promise. And you'll get to see my beautiful sister and a little ringbearer who thought it was one big party for him. More to come... Just give me time to rest my feet.

Your Just To Good To Be True. Video By BMP. from Video that rocks. The Weddings. on Vimeo.

Will He Know Lisa?

For the From Left to Write Book Club we read If You Knew Suzy by Katherine Rosman, a book examining the relationship between a mother and daughters framed around a mother's early death.

There is a relationship between mothers of all daughters that is hard to explain. I speak firsthand about this world.... I have two sisters and we're all incredibly close to our mom and each other. My mom is a central part of my life, a luxury that I believe is gained from an (almost) all female household. However, I'm married to a man who is one of four boys, which makes an "all daughters" relationship very hard to understand. The differences between our families makes for some interesting perceptions.

I'm not sure how to describe it, but the mothers of all daughters don't have the same boundaries as mothers with boys. They've literally spent years walking into the bathroom, bedroom, fitting room, or locker room with their half clothed or naked daughters. There is an ease with an all girls family when it comes to nudity and clothes. You swap everything, share bathrooms and bedrooms, and go shopping on a regular basis when you're a family of all girls. Mom just becomes a part of that.

Moms of all girls are allowed to be more openly loving and affectionate. I'm not a "huggy" girl myself and sometimes physical affection makes me uncomfortable. But, that being said, even I can say that there is an affection that remains between moms and girls.

A mom of all girls watches her girls go through life with the bonus of her own experiences to draw from. (It's hard for a mom to truly anticipate what a teenage boy feels like.) Moms never stop mothering their girls, because they always have more to teach, always have an opinion to share, or a hug that will be needed. I don't think that relationship is the same between boys and their mothers.

It's a tricky equation... My mom's greatest accomplishment in life has been her children. She is a mother in every ounce of her body and soul and I don't know who she would be without us. She's remained active in our daily lives in a way that some might consider overwhelming. It can be. But, I've always known we're not alone. In reading this book I saw a relationship between a mother and two daughters that mirrored ours. For better or worse, there are other sisters and mothers out there who live in the same wonderful and crazy world of all girls.

I made the mistake of reading some of this book on the train during the busy commute times, which seems to be my only opportunity to get a good stretch of reading done. (I don't like to get emotional in general, I especially don't like to get emotional while on the train with strangers.) There were moments when Katherine's healthy, vibrant mother's death was too real and in my mind, I visually replaced Suzy with Anna (my mom). In those moments I had to close the book and play around on twitter. The thought alone was too much.

I don't know the book that I would write about my mom. I know some of the best memories I have of her, like the drawings of Care Bears and princesses I found on the napkins tucked into my lunch box, the unabashed tears she shed my entire senior year of high school as she prepared for my departure for college, her ability to create delicious sandwiches, yet her knack for shrinking every piece of clothing and giving whites a pinkish hue. I'll remember the pride she always took in our differences, her ability to bake and use a hot glue gun, my ability to speak in front of an audience and swim against the tide. I'll think of the way she always puts on a proper front when in social situations, while I tend to live by the "what you see is what you get" school of thought. I know all these things about her. I know them deeply. Yet, they don't even scratch the surface of who my mom is.

It makes me wonder if my son will ever really know me. If mothers and daughters naturally remain closer, what can a son say about his mother? Will he just call me a "good mom?" Will he remember the songs that I made up for everything he does or his belly laugh that only I can get with a good round of tickling? If something were to happen to me today or tomorrow, would he identify with all the ways I strive to let him know how deeply he is loved? Will he see me as a whole person, not just a mom? Would he know that a reputation doesn't necessarily define a person, that I was often a contradiction of myself?

I want him to see that he had a mother who loved him, but was more than just his mom. I want him to recognize that I'm a human with tons of flaws and an overwhelming ability to love, that I lived a whole life before I had him and there was a world outside of my role as mom. I think it's only in those ways that he'd really understand who his mom is... And I feel like I could learn so much more about my mom if I started to see her as Anna, not just mom.

This post was inspired by If You Knew Suzy by Katherine Rosman, which I received complimentary as a part of From Left to Write Book Club. See how other moms were inspired by this book here.

Father's Day #2

I think that celebrating the special days is important. I'm serious about enjoying the days we have each year set aside to honor the people we love. And what a beautiful day to celebrate Father's Day!

Let me tell you, we have a lot to celebrate. Here at our house we're incredibly fortunate to have a really, really amazing father. He is by far one of the most hands-on fathers a kid could ever wish to have - Yes, I know I'm lucky.

We started with brunch at our favorite place, Mrs. D's, in Wilmette where I enjoyed the best eggs Florentine I've ever had, Matt enjoyed the best Greek omelet he's ever had, and the little guy picked all the powdered sugar off of his pancakes.

After a quick trip to an awesome new park, we collected sticks and saved a worm from being eaten as it sunned itself on the sidewalk.

From there we hit the road for important errands, including buying the first set of Hot Wheels for the little guy and plenty more flowers for our never-ending house work. (We're finally getting smarter and investing in more perennials than annuals.) Finally, we got the two guys measured for their tuxedos for Christina and Tristan's wedding in three weeks (eek!).

We hightailed it home where the little guy went down for a nap and I started Martha Stewart's delicious Sweet Onion Dip for our Father's Day celebration at my aunt and uncle's.

At the party W ran around like crazy, got plenty of hugs and kisses, and got to pet and hold their snake. And I got to see my dad and grandpa for Father's Day.

For the guy who is often frustrated by our overstuffed life, I tried to pack a day full of all the stuff we wanted and needed to do. If I could give Matt the perfect day it would be a day of the three of us with nothing to do, but hang out. That's coming, I promise.... We just have to get through the next month.

Wordless Wednesday: Blackhawks Win!

(Yes, I realize this is a week late. It's been crazy around here.)

Merry Christmas!

Last night was our first real Christmas Eve with William. Last year he was four months old and besides looking at the lights, he didn't get any real joy from the day. This year, he thoroughly enjoyed the always fantastic Baumrucker family Christmas Eve celebration. We went to my aunt Jan's whose three boys have tropical birds, snakes, frogs, turtles, lizards, fish, and a few dogs, so our animal lovin' little guy was in heaven. Not to mention all the attention be received from his great aunts, great uncles, and all of my cousins. (Being the first of his generation has its benefits.)

We didn't get home until after 10, so the kid was beyond tired. Stuck him in his crib and then played Santa for a while. I'd been warning William all day that Santa was coming and would bring gifts, so really thought that this morning would be a crazy frenzy of wrapping paper.

Not so much... He was up around 5:30, which meant he was still exhausted. He opened a few gifts and then lost interest. But, here's the good news: I didn't buy him any of these gifts, so I don't really care. I re-wrapped gifts that he received for his birthday. There were some that I was waiting to give him because of age and the ridiculous quantity of stuff. Plus, I know that today and tomorrow will be full of gifts from his Grandparents. So, there's my mom confession. (Go ahead, judge me, I don't care.)

Now we're off to my parents for brunch and then up to Wisconsin for some Hanneman family Christmasing.

Merry Christmas to all! Safe travels!

Anna's B&B

We're frequent guests, so get a really good rate and the accommodations are wonderful. Complimentary dinner, a wonderful rain shower, fresh linens, comfortable beds, coffee in the morning... And there's even child care on site! The cost? Living with your parents... Again.

OK, so we're not technically living there. We're just staying for a week. We ripped up the tile in our bathroom before we bought the new tile. Who knew everything I liked would be "special order" (therefore 72 hours for delivery), which means we had to reschedule our tile guy for next week. (Did I mention we never did the bathroom project on our own? Another story...) Sigh.

So, since we only have one shower and the bathroom floor around said shower has been ripped apart, we've checked back into Anna's B&B. Last time we stayed it was for almost five months, so this should fly by. Right?

It's made us realize that we really do love our little house. Though we've been going back each night after we put William down to pick up new clothes and "get stuff done," I miss walking into my house at the end of the day.

What I don't miss? Our bed. I had no idea how bad our bed is until I've been sleeping so soundly in my parents guest room. Ahhhh. And my back doesn't hurt this week! Go figure.

Wedding Weekend

This past weekend we went to Grand Haven, Michigan for my cousin Matt's wedding. Beautiful weather, great town, and William's first wedding. We had a blast. I didn't get many pictures, because my camera was low on batteries, but I got this photo of Matt, Margy, and their cake (which was quite delicious):

And we got this photo of William after lunch on Sunday as we walked back to the car. He partied 'til he passed out this weekend. Welcome to the Baumrucker family, kid.

All in all, we had a great weekend, except we came home with an unfortunate flu bug, which took me down first. William is showing a few signs of fighting something off, so let's hope our tough little guy has his mom's immune system (flashback to October 2007 when I beat appendicitis and I'm kicking this flu's butt, too).

This is What Happens When Grandma Gets Bored

Grandma B doesn't like it when I use the word "whore," but Matt doesn't like it when Grandma B dresses William up like a drunken sailor. "Hay-ay!"

Only William can make this outfit look cute.

In Memory of Grandma

There is a clock in the Glenn Community Center in memory of my grandma who died in 2001. I can't begin to describe what a wonderful woman she was. I'm always disappointed that Matt and William will never meet her (or my uncle Marty who died the following year). I am positive these are two people he would have had an instant kinship with, especially Marty.

So, when we were at Pancake Breakfast over Memorial Day weekend we snapped this photo. (Did I mention that William's new trick is waving?)

Pancake Breakfast

William made his first trip to Michigan for Memorial Day weekend. The highlight: Pancake Breakfast.

Glenn, Michigan holds pancake breakfast on the Sunday of every holiday weekend and it has been a long standing tradition for the Baumrucker family. Naturally, this was William's first taste of pancakes. He was thrilled and ate an entire buck wheat pancake, even dropping a couple pieces for Howie, who he expected to be there.

Engagement Extravaganza!

Imagine that! Two weeks, two engagements -- Both of my sisters are engaged. Will be a busy and exciting year for the Baumrucker family. (Is it too soon to get William a seersucker suit for his ring bearer duties?)

Congrats to Christina & Tristan and Danielle & Sam!!!