Hard Day

This is how my day started: I woke up early to get some work done (as in WORK work) because I was dreaming about it all night. I work from home on Wednesdays, so the thought of having to wait a few hours to sit down and start working was hard. W woke up 15 minutes later. I continued to work. We dropped Matt off at the train station, came home to read some books, and my computer was calling me.

So, I opened it up and kept working until... A little hand slammed his Woody doll onto the key board and the screen of my computer flipped, as in went upside down: I tried not to yell. I kept my cool, told him he did something very wrong, broke my computer, and mommy was very upset. Very upset, because you can't slam toys like that. You just can't.

And then I felt terrible. It was my fault. He still deserved time with me before my mom came to get him, but I have no self control. And now I had three documents on my desktop that I had to email to a designer with no idea how I was going to do it. (I ended up turning the computer upside down and reversing the direction of the mouse to painfully attach each document and send the email.) Then I used our other computer the rest of the day feeling terrible about how my morning with W went.

Things got a little worse when I went to the doctor for a check-up this afternoon. She doesn't seem super confident that I'll make it to my due date (5/27) or even to May 19th, which is an event for work that I want to be at. The baby's head is down, he's definitely dropped, things are falling into place. I know I have more time, but we're getting there.

So, I did the only thing I could at that point: I got into the car, called Matt, and I cried. This doesn't happen often. I don't cry and if I do, I certainly don't call someone to do it on the phone. But, I called Matt and cried because I felt bad about what happened with W and the thought of having this baby early completely freaks me out. I couldn't internalize these feelings anymore, I have been for longer than I realized. How am I supposed to prepare W for sharing my attention, how am I supposed to learn to control how easily I get distracted?

I don't want more computer incidents to happen. Thankfully resourceful Matt fixed it and I'm posting this now with a screen right side up. Yes, most things are fixable, but feelings aren't. I don't want W to remember times like this, times when I should be focused on him, but aren't.

And, you know what? Emotional basket case doesn't look good on me. So, I sucked it up, forced myself to make us a nice dinner (eggplant ragu pasta) and promised myself I'll be better tomorrow.

1 comment:

Windtraveler said...

You are being WAY too hard on yourself and we're just going to blame this in preggo hormones. Seriously, take a deep breath and relax...you have a TON going on and you just caught yourself in a moment of overwhelmed. You are an awesome mom, but you know more than anyone (and you say so all the time) - there is no such thing as perfect. If getting frustrated over W possibly breaking your computer is the worse thing you do...then you are more a saint than most! I love you! xoxoxo