Piece of Paper

In the midst of the great flu attack on our household, I had my 20 week ultrasound, which is an important one for lots of reasons that include making sure the baby is healthy, growing on track, hearts looks good, etc. etc. It is also THE ultrasound that many people excitedly wait for because it reveals the baby's gender.

With W we did not want to find out. I knew that I was having a boy from the second I saw the positive pregnancy test. You could not convince me otherwise. When he came out and they announced it was a boy (I think that's how it went down, it was all rather hazy) I just shrugged. I knew.

This time my instincts say girl. They have from the very beginning. Again, I'm feeling positive. I never thought that I would find out the baby's gender in any pregnancies, but this time I thought it would be a good idea.

Here is how I justified this decision:

1. It will help prepare W for what I fear will be a rough transition.

2. It will allow me to get the nursery ready and all appropriate clothes pulled out of storage, washed, and in drawers.

3. I cannot for the life of me think of a boy name that I like, but we have a girl name ready to go.

4. And here is where I admit that it's really all about me... I HATE being wrong. (Shocker, I know.) What if I'm wrong this time and it's a boy?

All good, logical reasons, right? And then there's this: I never felt a connection with W when I was pregnant. I didn't want to hug my belly. When women say they just can't wait to meet him/her, I kind of shrug (and maybe roll my eyes). I can't imagine chatting with my baby belly. I mean, really... When is the last time you had a chat with your foot? That's what it feels like to me.

I don't think it means there is something wrong with me. I'm just not that Earth Mother, pregnancy lover. It's just not me. So, maybe I'm wondering if this would change anything. Not that I care or feel like it's something that has to be changed...

Anyway, back to my point... So, we went to the ultrasound and started to have second thoughts about finding out the gender. We decided to ask the technician to write it down on a piece of paper that we can take with us. This woman obviously did this before. She enclosed it with layers of post-its and taped it closed around all sides. No sneaking a glimpse, no holding it up to the light. It's locked down. And it's sitting on a table. It's been there for almost five days.

This would drive most people crazy, but not me. I don't hear it calling my name. I'm not thinking about it every moment of the day. It's not really bugging me at all. We'll look at it when the time feels right. I know I'm driving my friends and family nuts, but we don't want to know bad enough to look just yet. Soon enough, I figure.