8.24.2009

Music Video Junkie

I did something this morning that I haven't in a while: I turned on VH1. I've avoided watching this channel in the early am, because it brings me back to a place that was lonely, cold, overwhelming, exhausting, and all over a little scary.

You see, last fall I would wake up with William in the early morning, before there was any light, convinced I was the only person awake in the world. There was nothing on tv, so I'd watch music videos on VH1 until the news started and I could move on. Somehow this seemed like the best way to escape, but only served to make me feel more out of touch and alone once "Womanizer" was on for the third time.

I was in the early months of motherhood, dealing with some baby blues, healing from a difficult labor, facing the beginning of dreaded winter, and missing the busiest time at work. I was riddled with anxiety and frustration. Crazy in love with William, but freaked out by the new house, new baby, and new chapter in life. I had more help and support than anyone could imagine, but that didn't make the early morning hours better.

It was with apprehension that I decided to reconnect with VH1 this morning. William loves music and I thought it might be a good test to face my demons and see if I'd get a surge of the feelings I had last fall. We only lasted one video, but in that one video William started dancing and was transfixed by the tv screen, which is why we said bye-bye to the video and moved on to playing with tupperware. (Not because of the dancing, but because we're holding off on tv for him as long as we can.)

I made it, no surge of emotions - Just happiness in seeing the little man kick his feet and pop his chest to the beat. Still exhausted and feeling a little out of touch, but all other things seem to be in place. For now.

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