How Can I Hide Behind This Kid?

I was recently looking for a good picture of me and William and was confronted with a harsh reality: There are very few and those available are painful. I’m hiding. And when I’m not, I’m usually the one behind the camera. I know why I’m doing it, I don’t want to remember that 10 months after he was born I still am not even close to being back in my normal clothes, still not comfortable in my own skin. Yikes.

I know most moms go through this, but it doesn’t make it easier. It’s all harder than I thought it would be. No time to work out and no energy when there is time. When I think of fulfilling Matt’s Mother’s Day gift of a trainer, I also think of everything else I could do with that money. That could be the down payment on our fence or pay for half of re-painting the house or a new dishwasher or fridge. Or, dare I say, a few trips to Costco for diapers and wine and food. And when I do have time I feel like I should spend it with William since I don’t see him all week or do some laundry or open the mail or pay bills.

I have plenty of people in my life telling me that I have to make myself a priority, that the money and time would be worth it. I believe them for a moment and then look at our long list of to-do’s. And I think of the three weddings that I will be a bridesmaid in next year (with more possibly on the horizon) and the dresses I’ll pay for and then –eek!—I’m going to have to wear those dresses! And give speeches in those dresses and be photographed with no child to hide behind. Not to mention the wedding I have coming up at the end of August…

I guess I just don’t want to look back at pictures of the first year of William’s life and wonder where the heck I was. And I don’t want to look back at photos of my life and wonder what happened between the years of 29 and 32. Or hide the pictures that we do have, because I know I am going to be disappointed in myself that I couldn’t pull it together. I wanted to enter 30 like a bat out of hell and instead I sheepishly and quietly walked through the door, hoping no one would take my picture.

Am I making you cringe or feel bad for me? Please don’t. And, PLEASE, do not comment about how good I look. I don’t want to hear it. So, why am I posting this? Many, many reasons. And they all start with this one: I have no shame. But, more than that, I promised myself that I would be honest with new moms about what lies ahead and I know I have a lot of new moms or moms-to-be checking in on us here. There are things no one warns you about and this was one of them. Amy, my dear friend, did warn me that I would not feel like myself for two years. But, if you don’t have an Amy, then you’re not getting such kind, honest advice. Most important, I am posting this to hold myself accountable, so I can read this everyday to encourage myself to make a change for the better. Find time for a walk and then a run or some yoga or an exercise video. Remind myself that coffee is not an acceptable breakfast. Everyday needs to be something. I hope you’ll all hold me accountable, too.